“She said it was either me or the durian,” a friend said years ago, pausing to let us laugh. “And I picked the durian.”
He laughed too, so I’m pretty sure he meant it to be funny. But I wonder. Sometimes I feel haunted by those words.
I sometimes feel guilty for writing this blog.
Rob was the one who started it, back in February, 2012, when he wrote our first post about going to Medan. But he also asked me to quit.
I know logically that there are always a lot of reasons that relationships don’t work out. It’s never one thing, or even two things. I’m pretty certain that even if I’d never tasted a durian, Rob and I would have been signing divorce papers at some point or another.
But some small, insecure corner of myself wonders. It’s why I feel a little bit guilty every time I push “Publish” on a post.
Today I feel mostly nervous. I looked for advice on the Emily Post website about the etiquette of announcing your divorce on a blog. Emily Post died before there was internet. I tried writing to Ask Amy. She hasn’t replied. UPDATE She did publish her advice to me.
I asked people in my life what I should do. Some people said I shouldn’t even mention my divorce on the blog. Rob hasn’t written a post for this site since early 2013. They said most of you would never notice he was gone.
But you have noticed. You noticed that he didn’t go with me to the Durian Symposium in June, or the Bao Sheng Durian Festival, or the summer Durian Tours, and that he wasn’t at my side in Singapore. I still get emails addressed to “Rob and Lindsay,” and probably will for a long time.
So I feel that it is unfair to Rob not to honor his role in this blog, and acknowledge his departure. Of the more than 400 posts I’ve published on this site, most of them contain photos of Rob. After durian, he’s by far the most common image, and my favorite subject to photograph, which sometimes required a lot of patience on his part.
It’s hard for me to imagine this site without him. Even after it was clear that I was the durian obsessive, I still felt like in ways like it was ours. The Year of the Durian was a story about us.
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It’s why I’ve been slow to change our Facebook page to a photo of just myself. And why I haven’t yet figured out what to say when I change the About page. In some ways, these things are harder than signing the papers. It means reassessing my life and coming up with a new story about who I am.
In that reassessment, I’ve been thinking a lot about what this blog means to me and why I wouldn’t quit when Rob asked me to. I’ve been thinking a lot about why durian.
I know that when we started the Year of the Durian project, I felt lost. Something happened in college, and I emerged uncertain what I was passionate about. I’d entered a Journalism major with bright ideas about changing the world through the power of words, and exited feeling disillusioned, directionless, and having lost self-confidence as a writer.
That I found my voice and my passion (botany, horticulture, stinky fruits) is something I have to thank Rob for. This blog has given me so many new friends and put me in touch with people who are doing really amazing things. Durian gives me the courage to attempt new things that scare me, but are more awesome than I could have dreamed on my own (just last night, I gave a Musang King to my internet hero Hank Green from SciShow. He signed my Kindle).
The blog is a gift. And so I sometimes feel guilty.
What happens now?
I’m not sure. It’s unlikely I’m going to stop writing. I already have about 20 posts backed up from this past summer’s adventures in Malaysia and Singapore that, since they’re already written, I might as well share.
I’ve already made plans for a 2016 Bao Sheng Durian Festival and a 2016 Malaysian Durian Tour, and a Thai friend and I are even contemplating a Thailand Durian Tour.
There will be changes of course. The website itself is going to look very different soon. I’ve been working for months on a new, mobile friendly version of the site that will hopefully allow you to more easily navigate all the content (more than 400 posts) and find the information you’re looking for.
After that, I don’t know what the future has in store for me and durian and this blog. But I think I have the courage to find out.
(To end on something mildly amusing, the Durian Years of Marriage (with some hilarity) is an actual self-help book that uses durian as a metaphor for giving marriage advice. I didn’t read it, but maybe I should have.)
Jonas says
You are wonderful Lindsay, thank you for shining true and being you.
Love from me and Manouk
Lindsay Gasik says
Thanks Jonas and Manouk 🙂 I hope to see you both again this summer?
Jonas says
Hopefully – Zhi Vooi asked if we were available to help out from May on, so let's see. We might go to the Philippines before then though. 🙂
Alex Curtis-Slep says
Hola Lindsay. Thanks for writing this post and being so forthcoming with your readers. Best of luck with whatever direction you go in life! 🙂
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Alex, thanks for the support 🙂
Anonymous says
Love you mate. Look after yourself & keep looking forward to whatever the future holds. I regret not catching up with you in Singapore.
Durian lovers united.
Rich (& Julie), Darwin.
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Rich and Julie, Thanks for the support. Any chance you'll be in Thailand, Malaysia or Singapore this summer?
Dani says
Hi Lindsay. Everyone has his/her own way, and we can't always walk the same path with the same person as we change day by day, year by year, durian by durian. I wish you and Rob to enjoy life to the fullest regardles who you are with or where you are, or what you eat.
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Dani, Thanks for sharing your wisdom and well wishes for both me and Rob 🙂
Bret says
Lindsay,
You've done more to promote enthusiasm and knowledge of durian than anyone in modern history with your excellent blog. It would be a shame to hang it up when you still have the passion for sharing your adventurous nature, wonderful writing and enticing photographs with the online community. I wish you the best in this transition.
An invitation to eat durians from my orchard will always be open. Thanks for everything, Bret
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Bret, Thank you for your support and flattery for this blog 🙂 I would love to see your orchard someday.
Pierre Christen says
Hi Lindsay. I think you did right by informing publicly, because we all knew your project was along with Rob until now. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear the news and hope you remain strong, dedicated and witty about durian 😉 The world without durian would be really sad, and a durian world without you would also be dull, so keep it up! I hope I have one day more time and opportunity to also roam from durian farms to durian festivals 🙂
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Pierre,
Thanks for your comment. It would be nice to see you in Thailand or Malaysia someday 🙂
Pierre says
done 😉
Jesse Blenn Costa Rica says
Hi Lindsay. Thanks for your courage and honesty and hope that you and Rob find where you fit the best. While we dont have durians producing yet here in costa rica, it shouln't be too long as some trees are 25 feet – 7.5 meters – tall. So in a few years you can come help us eat! And of course many other Asian fruits. A visitor put up a youtube video of our farm called COSTA RICA TROPICAL FRUIT FARM JESSE BLENN SHOWS US AROUND. Sorry it looks so dry – that was last dry season. Best wishes and keep an eye out for Willughbeia (kubal) or langgir seeds for me!
Jesse Blenn Costa Rica says
Hi Lindsay. Thanks for your courage and honesty and hope that you and Rob find where you fit the best. While we dont have durians producing yet here in costa rica, it shouln't be too long as some trees are 25 feet – 7.5 meters – tall. So in a few years you can come help us eat! And of course many other Asian fruits. A visitor put up a youtube video of our farm called COSTA RICA TROPICAL FRUIT FARM JESSE BLENN SHOWS US AROUND. Sorry it looks so dry – that was last dry season. Best wishes and keep an eye out for Willughbeia (kubal) or langgir seeds for me!
Johnny Kay says
Hey Lindsay,
life is full of lots of challenges and ones love life can get a bit like a Durian, smelly sweet, bitter & a bit thorny but each one a joy to have experienced.
I'm sure there will be more for you to experience in the future and lessons to learn. As for your Journalism its great. and I hope you keep doing it. all the best and I hope we can catch up next time in Penang or if you visit Kuranda.
Good luck to you both.
Cheers
John.
Jennifer says
Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure you'll find great strength on your journey to carry on living your dreams and persuing your heart felt desires.
All the best Lindsay xxx
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for your well wishes. Being honest was scary but I also feel a sense of relief.
Ryan says
Hey Linds! I just want to say here, that I so respect and admire your willingness to be candid, especially so publicly. I think embracing this beautiful tendency will really lead to your continued flourishing as a person as well as the bloom of your relationships. And, beyond that, your writing is also very nice. I so appreciate your authentic voice shining through. Keep it up. Aloha! X
Lindsay Gasik says
Hey Ryan, thanks for the support 🙂 Hope to see you sooner than later!
BrianJewett says
I agree with RAA but would add one thing. Don't be such a girl (and try to blame yourself). Be proud of being a grrrl and taking charge of your life. Having inside family knowledge, Leanne and I both feel it's pretty clear you two made the right decision. We're also proud of the intelligent, rational way you made it and that you didn't let it stop your forward momentum. You and Rob simply grew apart. Looking back, I'd say this was inevitable. Durian had nothing to do with it, and it was definitely not your fault.
Big Hug,
Uncle Brian
Raw Aussie Athlete says
This is a great blogpost Lindsay!
You have a lot of people here who are proud of you. You're a great writer!
I'm grateful you're finding inner peace, trusting yourself, being open and honest not just with others but with yourself.
It seems to me that everything you're doing is building your sense of integrity, continuing to grow your confidence and to unleash your full potential as an unstoppable force for goodness…which everyone who knows you in person or through your blog will certainly benefit from.
I believe in you Lindsay and appreciate you wearing your heart on your sleeve when it may seem so convenient to do otherwise!
Lindsay Gasik says
Hi Grant, thanks for this comment. It was scary to write this post but I'm glad that I was honest with both myself and with readers. I feel better. Thanks for all your support and always encouraging me to have the courage to be vulnerable 🙂